Today began like any other. I woke up late. One of the kids puked on me. I fed the dog. We went to run errands.
We usually take this little neighborhood back road that connects to a larger highway which takes us to the mall, where our Target is located. This is the way we went today. We were barely 30 seconds away from our house when I saw a man walking his puppy in the center of the road and wouldn't move, so I had to slow down and drive around him. Doing so, I saw the puppy was lunging at a big frickin' shelled thingamabob on the curb.
I naturally assumed it was a turtle, because running parallel to the street is a forested area which conceals a tidal creek (are you still following me? I'll draw a map).
Tortoises are not indigenous (BIG WORD ALERT) to our area, so this is why I was hoping it was a turtle. If it was a turtle, it could just waddle its big ol' self back to the tidal creek. He was so close to home he could probably actually taste it.
However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I'd never seen such a giant frickin' turtle before. I mean, except sea turtles, which have flippers and wouldn't be flopping around on the side of the road, twenty miles from the nearest beach. So I figured someone had lost their pet tortoise. I began to feel bad.
I had a large turquoise bucket in the back of my Jeep, so I put my hazards on and parked the car on the side of the road. I took out the bucket and got out. I was on the phone with my husband.
Sass: What's the difference between a tortoise and a turtle?
Husby: ....I don't know. What's the difference?
Sass: Husby, this is not a joke. This is a serious question. I'm about to rescue a tortoise!...Or a turtle. I don't really know which one it is. Don't turtles have flippers? This thing has feet. And it's big.
Husby: How big?
Sass: As big as a housecat.
Husby: That is big.
Sass: I know. Which one is it? I can't leave him in the road.
Husby: I don't know. How about you put him in the bucket and take him home and look it up.
Sass: But if it's a box turtle it'll bite my finger off!
Husby: Take it from behind -
Sass: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Husby: Anyway. Pick it up from behind and put your hands around the center of its shell.
Sass: Okay.
I did as I was told and IT HISSED AT ME. I shrieked and skittered away.
At this point I'd gathered an audience. Some lady tossing her trash out in a dumpster in the parking lot across the street came ambling over, chuckling at me. And two maintenance men from the adjacent apartment complex came driving up in a tan pick up truck. I was screaming "Sorry, sorry" while still on the phone, and gingerly tiptoeing after the
One of the maintenance men stepped out of the truck and came over, took the bucket from me and laid it down in front of Mr. Turtlortoise. Mr. Turtlortoise stepped right in and like that, the ordeal was over. I thanked the men and began carrying Mr. Turtlortoise back to my Jeep. I was planning to place him in the cargo bay in the bucket and drive the few feet over to the tidal creek, where I would release him.
Mr. Turtlortoise could not be contained. He began climbing out of the bucket and hissing at me.
I shrieked again, dropped the bucket, and ran to the other side of the road.
Mr. Turtlortoise was so confused he fell backwards and could not right himself. He was still in the bucket.
Both the maintenance men and the Dumpster lady were now at the side of the road cackling with glee.
Less than ten minutes later he returned with an empty bucket and assured me Mr. Turtlortoise was now safe and happy in his natural habitat.
Of course if he's a tortoise...he probably drowned.
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