Monsieur Turtlortoise

(OR:  I either saved a turtle or killed a tortoise today)

Today began like any other.  I woke up late.  One of the kids puked on me.  I fed the dog.  We went to run errands.

We usually take this little neighborhood back road that connects to a larger highway which takes us to the mall, where our Target is located.  This is the way we went today.  We were barely 30 seconds away from our house when I saw a man walking his puppy in the center of the road and wouldn't move, so I had to slow down and drive around him.  Doing so, I saw the puppy was lunging at a big frickin' shelled thingamabob on the curb.

I naturally assumed it was a turtle, because running parallel to the street is a forested area which conceals a tidal creek (are you still following me?  I'll draw a map).

Tortoises are not indigenous (BIG WORD ALERT) to our area, so this is why I was hoping it was a turtle.  If it was a turtle, it could just waddle its big ol' self back to the tidal creek.  He was so close to home he could probably actually taste it.

However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I'd never seen such a giant frickin' turtle before.  I mean, except sea turtles, which have flippers and wouldn't be flopping around on the side of the road, twenty miles from the nearest beach.  So I figured someone had lost their pet tortoise.  I began to feel bad.

I had a large turquoise bucket in the back of my Jeep, so I put my hazards on and parked the car on the side of the road.  I took out the bucket and got out.  I was on the phone with my husband.

Sass:  What's the difference between a tortoise and a turtle?
Husby: ....I don't know.  What's the difference?
Sass:  Husby, this is not a joke.  This is a serious question.  I'm about to rescue a tortoise!...Or a turtle.  I don't really know which one it is.  Don't turtles have flippers?  This thing has feet.  And it's big.
Husby:  How big?
Sass:  As big as a housecat.
Husby:  That is big.
Sass:  I know.  Which one is it?  I can't leave him in the road.
Husby:  I don't know.  How about you put him in the bucket and take him home and look it up.
Sass:  But if it's a box turtle it'll bite my finger off! 
Husby:  Take it from behind -
Sass:  THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Husby:  Anyway.  Pick it up from behind and put your hands around the center of its shell.
Sass:  Okay.

I did as I was told and IT HISSED AT ME.  I shrieked and skittered away.

At this point I'd gathered an audience.  Some lady tossing her trash out in a dumpster in the parking lot across the street came ambling over, chuckling at me.  And two maintenance men from the adjacent apartment complex came driving up in a tan pick up truck.  I was screaming "Sorry, sorry" while still on the phone, and gingerly tiptoeing after the monstrous beast unfortunate creature, trying to pick it up and place it in my giant turquoise bucket.

One of the maintenance men stepped out of the truck and came over, took the bucket from me and laid it down in front of Mr. Turtlortoise.  Mr. Turtlortoise stepped right in and like that, the ordeal was over.  I thanked the men and began carrying Mr. Turtlortoise back to my Jeep.  I was planning to place him in the cargo bay in the bucket and drive the few feet over to the tidal creek, where I would release him.

Mr. Turtlortoise could not be contained.  He began climbing out of the bucket and hissing at me.

I shrieked again, dropped the bucket, and ran to the other side of the road.

Mr. Turtlortoise was so confused he fell backwards and could not right himself.  He was still in the bucket.

Both the maintenance men and the Dumpster lady were now at the side of the road cackling with glee.

However, the same maintenance guy who'd contributed the brilliant idea of turning my bucket on its side chose this very moment to step in again and gallantly volunteered to carry the scary evil bastard unfortunate confused animal back to the tidal creek on foot, while still in the bucket of course.

Less than ten minutes later he returned with an empty bucket and assured me Mr. Turtlortoise was now safe and happy in his natural habitat.

Of course if he's a tortoise...he probably drowned.



Plus Sur Moi

That's right, more about me.  Because it is a blog called SASSTASTICAL, so it stands to reason that it would be about me.

I may continue to write lists only about me until SOMEONE decides to follow me.  This could take some time.  It could even take ten minutes.  That's a long time to wait in Interwebzland.

I have a Facebook account.  And Twitter account.

And approximately six more blogs that I've allowed to die.

I probably have ADHD.  I'm not really sure because I've never been to the doctor to find out if I was.  I'm a little afraid of finding it out.  I'll just keep taking the online course that says I am and allowing myself to fail at everything because I can never finish or continue anything.

I have tattoos and I want more and will probably get more, although I promised my husband that I was done after the last one I got.  Don't tell my husband.

Oh yeah.  I have a husband.  I call him lots of names.  Like Husband, Husby, Hubster, and Buddy.  For the sake of argument in this blog we will refer to him as Husby, since calling him Tom Cruise or Jesus might get confusing when I actually talk about the "real" Tom Cruise or Jesus.  (Do the quotations around real immediately followed by the name Tom Cruise imply that Tom Cruise is in fact fake?  My bad.)

I also have two kids and a dog.  I know, I've been busy for someone my age.

Speaking of my age, I'll be 27 next month.  Send me a birthday present.

I don't like other people's kids very much, which is weird because I was a teacher for a LONG time.  I liked them until I got pregnant and then I simply did not have time for bullshit from other people's crib midgets.

I am not politically correct.

This whole time my brain was alternating with "Pie?" "Cake?" "Pie?" "Cake?" "Pie?" "Cake?"  and it was very hard to concentrate but I can tell you one thing - both the pie and the cake in my mind were chocolate.

Aaaand we're back to where we ended with the last blog post.  ASK ME SOME QUESTIONS.

A propos de moi

Hi, I'm Sass.  I'm American, but my post titles will always be in French.  Because I'm that absolutely incredible.

If I were any animal I think I’d end up being something awesome, like a uniliger. That’s right, a uniliger. Something like this:
　

　
　
If I could live anywhere I’d probably live somewhere that nobody knows me. Like Utopia, because if it’s truly Utopian, for me anyway, my idea of perfection would include ice cream snowstorms, talking eagles and nobody knowing me. Talking eagles are freakin’ magnificent. Or if not Utopia, the Bermuda Triangle. Not only would nobody know ME, others there probably wouldn’t even know themselves, and everyone outside of the Triangle wouldn’t even be able to find me.

My favorite number is 5.

My favorite color ends in “ue.” Guess what it is?

My favorite word is PAMPLEMOUSSE.

I love pie.

And cookies.

And chocolate.

OK I lost track of things, now I just want chocolate. Ask me questions and I’ll answer them or something.

Sass