The Sexual Education of Sass

I will begin by saying that outside of actually having had sex, I don't know anything about sex.  Except that without condoms you will either end up with babies, or AIDS.

I went to a Catholic grade school from kindergarten all the way through eighth grade.  Here is a list of what I learned about sex in that time:

1.  My childhood friend Sarah told me how to spell sex.
2.  She also told me that penises go into vaginas.
3.  She also told me Jesus was black.  (not about sex but you get the idea)
4.  My mother told me angels put babies into a mommy's tummy and then the stork delivered them.
5.  Plants have both male and female reproductive organs.
6.  Dads suck at hiding their pornography collections.
7. Aerosmith sings songs about oral sex, chicks losing their virginity and creepster pedo dads.
8. Periods have nothing to do with sex.  They are smelly and embarrassing.
9. You can get AIDS when you do a blood brothers ritual and Magic Johnson will come and lecture you about how your life will never be normal but he'll always have your back, yo.

Once it was time for high school, I opted to attend the local public school.  At this point I knew nothing of condoms, birth control, herpes, syphilis, the clap, yeast infections, mono, "moon cycles" or even that I have two holes in my hoo-hah.

This is what I learned in high school:

1.  Mono is not a kissing disease.
2.  Your mother will not enjoy discovering that you are sexually active by way of your boyfriend informing her that you have a yeast infection.
3.  If you've never kissed anyone you're a prude.
4.  If you have a public relationship you are a slut.
5.  How to put on a condom, but not on a banana and not in a classroom.

Here are things we will research tonight, in real time:

HERPES
WOMANLY CYCLES
VAGINA HOLES

Get the popcorn.  It's gonna be an interesting night, y'all.  Happy Saturday!

HERPES

OK, so all my teen and adult life I've been told "Use proper protection or you'll get herpes"  *insert spooky music here*...I've been going around for over ten years trying to avoid something that I'm not entirely sure I do or don't have.  I mean, I've heard it makes you itch and you get red bumps.  Sometimes I itch and get red bumps, but I'm pretty sure that's just razor burn.  Let's look this up....

HOLY CATS.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

I think it's safe to say I HAVE NEVER HAD HERPES.

I mean wow.  And, holy burning herpes Batman, check out these stats:

Results of a nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, 16.2%, or about one out of six, people 14 to 49 years of age have genital HSV-2 infection. Over the past decade, the percentage of Americans with genital herpes infection in the U.S. has remained stable.

Genital HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of five women 14 to 49 years of age) than in men (about one out of nine men 14 to 49 years of age). Transmission from an infected male to his female partner is more likely than from an infected female to her male partner.

Hold up, I'm confused.  MORE women have it, but it's more likely for a man to give it to someone else than it is for a woman to give it to another man?  This is why I hate math. 

WOMANLY CYCLES

There is a good reason why I freak out every month about my period not showing up.  It usually happens when I realize I forgot the last time I bled all over a wad of pressed paper and it's coming up on the end of a month.  The reason I do this is because

1.  I can't count

2.  I never learned the logistics of my cycle.  In fact I can't even remember what they call it when I'm not menstruating.  Estrogen something?  I don't fucking know.  HALP

OH that's right!  OVULATION!

Not to be confused with OVATION...although sometimes a good horizontal tango with Husby makes me want give one:

Ovulation:  the expulsion of an ovum from the ovary (usually midway in the menstrual cycle).

Oh, wait.  There's also a menstrual cycle...

Menstruation:  The process in a woman of menstruating monthly from puberty until menopause, except during pregnancy

OK, that's much more helpful.  Now I know the difference.  I think?  See, I couldn't even figure out my kids' due dates without the help of my doctor.  In fact there were lots of clearly stupid things I said to her that earned me a "CHILE YOU IGNANT" look from her on a semi-regular basis.  She probably wondered how I managed to get pregnant at all, since I don't even know which hole I pee out of.

Then again, my lack of knowledge is how I got pregnant both times anyway.  Go me, I fail!  I'm so good at failing!

VAGINA HOLES

(my husband is going to have a field day when he sees my search history tonight)

OK, so I have a urethra (HAH, Hank has a narrow urethra, who gets my awesome trivia reference?) and a vaginal canal. 

Fack, I have a CANAL?  Like Panama?  As in it's like sailing a rowboat down the Panama Canal?  Way to make me feel all woman, thou art loosed.  Fucking Internet.

Now where are they located?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NEVER look up VAGINA HOLES in Google Images.  I need to puke.  Vaginas are SO ugly, y'all.  So ugly.  I need brain bleach.

But at least I know what is where now...I guess that's a good thing.

This particular blog post was brought to you by this instant Skype chat:

[7/22/2011 2:17:11 PM] Sass: I am pretty sure I do not have herpes lol
[7/22/2011 2:17:24 PM] K: but type 1 (oral) can be passed and become type 2 i believe
[7/22/2011 2:17:33 PM] Sass: Oh I see now
[7/22/2011 2:17:34 PM] K: so he couldve had cold sores ...
[7/22/2011 2:17:36 PM] K: and pass
[7/22/2011 2:17:37 PM] Sass: Right
[7/22/2011 2:17:38 PM] Sass: Yep
[7/22/2011 2:17:57 PM] K: which theres no shame aboutcold sores just because theyre not on your personal business
[7/22/2011 2:18:05 PM]Sass: Nope
[7/22/2011 2:18:07 PM]K: its funny really
[7/22/2011 2:18:10 PM] Sass: I just Googled herpes ROFL
[7/22/2011 2:18:12 PM] K: weird funny not LOL
[7/22/2011 2:18:23 PM] Sass: Do you know, I'm pretty embarrassed by how very little I know about my sexual organs
[7/22/2011 2:18:26 PM] K: when i got that first yeat infection i was TERRIFIED i got herpes
[7/22/2011 2:18:27 PM] Sass: Did not take sex ed
[7/22/2011 2:18:34 PM] K: oh i will educate you
[7/22/2011 2:18:38 PM] Sass: Hooray?
[7/22/2011 2:18:40 PM] Sass: ;)
[7/22/2011 2:18:40 PM] K: ha
[7/22/2011 2:18:53 PM] Sass: ROFL!
[7/22/2011 2:18:59 PM] Sass: HERPES IS A GREEK WORD
[7/22/2011 2:19:00 PM] Sass: IT MEANS
[7/22/2011 2:19:05 PM] K: ive had it all figured out since like 4th grade
[7/22/2011 2:19:06 PM] Sass: CREEPING
[7/22/2011 2:19:10 PM] K: oooooh
[7/22/2011 2:19:12 PM] Sass: (rofl)
[7/22/2011 2:19:19 PM] K: it gets into your nerves and stays there forever
[7/22/2011 2:19:26 PM] K: like mono
[7/22/2011 2:19:29 PM] Sass: TLC's "Creep" has a totally new meaning for me now
[7/22/2011 2:19:40 PM] Sass: Fuck, I had mono when I was 14
[7/22/2011 2:19:45 PM] Sass: I hated that shit
[7/22/2011 2:19:49 PM] Sass: Worst two weeks of my life
[7/22/2011 2:19:51 PM] K: yeah mess
[7/22/2011 2:19:57 PM] Sass: I was mortified too
[7/22/2011 2:20:06 PM] K: tracy says you cant donate blood if you ever had mono
[7/22/2011 2:20:07 PM] Sass: Because it's known as the kissing disease
[7/22/2011 2:20:14 PM] Sass: That's like the gateway illness to slut status
[7/22/2011 2:20:19 PM] K: idk how true this is though
[7/22/2011 2:20:26 PM] K: :D
[7/22/2011 2:20:28 PM] Sass: I don't know either
[7/22/2011 2:20:36 PM] Sass: I thought you'd like that lol
[7/22/2011 2:20:42 PM] K: so yeah
[7/22/2011 2:20:51 PM] Sass: But when I got mono I had only ever kissed one guy and it was two months since he'd kissed me

[7/22/2011 2:22:24 PM] Sass: I totally do not have herpes
[7/22/2011 2:22:28 PM] Sass: It's just razor burn

There you have it, peeps.

IT'S JUST RAZOR BURN.