Sass's Tips for Successful Parenting

Hello everyone.  I know it's been a little while since I've posted but to be honest I've been stumped as to what to write.  I could write about Mega the Hut, but I think it's too soon for that as it pertains to my pseudo-family and I don't want to piss anyone off that knows where I live.  I could write about B2, but he was the center of my last blog entry.  Redundancy would be bad I believe.

So today, inspired by my friend Angie, I will give tips on successful parenting.

Tip #1:

ENCOURAGE CREATIVITY.

Children are like tiny tornadoes, but that's okay!  Apparently according to a study that I made up of which I forgot the origins, children thrive in messy environments.  So when your kid has taken every toy she owns and scatters them across your clean living room, making it look like the Toy Monster ripped through your home, breathe easy!  Not picking up their toys fosters their imaginations.  Plus now you don't feel guilty about not keeping your house in tip top shape.  Reward yourself with a glass of wine.

Tip #2:

DON'T SAY NO.

Kids become numb to it over a very brief period of time.  Instead, try more creative phrases.  Like "Stop it or I'll sell you to the Gypsies," "If you break the $500 vase the Vase Monster will break you," or "Don't hit your sister or the police will throw you in baby jail."  Scare tactics work every time.  Plus, it ties in with Tip #1.  You're being creative with your empty threats, thereby encouraging imagination!  Reward yourself with another drink.

Tip #3:

KEEP YOUR OFFSPRING ON LOCKDOWN SAFE.

In today's world, people see the dangerous side of a soft and cuddly teddy bear.  (The eyes, oh GOD, THE EYES!!!!)  It is important that we as parents become vigilant in safeguarding our ankle biters against these atrocities.  In our home, it has become necessary to outfit all doorknobs with doorknob guards and there is a baby gate at every entry. 

In the nursery, there are actually baby gates on the windows because the windows are so huge, and a doorknob guard on the inside of the room.  We have chosen the latter method to get us a couple extra hours of sleep in the morning to prevent our children from falling down the stairs.

If you, too, own a baby gate or doorknob guards, reward yourself with a drink for each individual item of question in your home.  (I have nine!)

Tip #4:

SAY EEJFJTGHUD ERRTHDHDNg EVERDJYING EVERYTHING IN A POSITIVE TONE OF VOICE.

Most of the time children under the age of two have no idea what in hell you're even talking about, so you can say many many things to, about, and around them without hurting their feelings or worrying about them parroting you (because I don't know about you, but my son is only just now picking up on larger words and still has yet to drop an F-bomb).  You can easily say "Honey, I'm so damn tired of all your whining" in the sweetest tone of voice and they will never be the wiser.  You can say "Shut up before Mommy starts swimming in liquor, you awful little gremlin" and they will giggle and go about their business.

You get your stress out and they are back to being happy and non-clingy.  Two missions accodromplisheedsf.  I

If you, too, are a master multitasker, have as many drinks at once as you can handle.

TIP #%:

HIDE THE GOOD STUFF.

I keep mine in the medicine cabinet.  Dammit, now I have to move it...shhhhhhhhhh

Just drink!